"THE FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER" (2007) Review

"THE FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER" (2007) Review

Eight years ago, I had found myself surprised that 20th Century-Fox decided to green light a sequel to the 2005 movie, "THE FANTASTIC FOUR". When the latter was released, many critics panned the movie as a ghost of other Marvel cinematic hits such as the "SPIDER-MAN" and the "X-MEN" franchise or the DC Comics hit, "BATMAN BEGINS". 

Unlike the above-mentioned films and others such as 2003's "DAREDEVIL", "THE FANTASTIC FOUR" told the story of how four people with close connections ended up with super powers . . . and how they dealt with it. It also introduced the quartet's main antagonist, Victor Von Doom. I found the movie rather entertaining. But if I must be honest, it felt more like a character study than a costumed action film. Although the 2007 sequel, "THE FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER" managed to retain the comedic element of the first story, it turned out to be a suprisingly good action piece with strong character development. 

The movie began with the arrival of a mysterious alien presence that caused havoc with the Earth's resources in various locations. This alien turns out to be the Silver Surfer (Doug Jones and voiced by Laurence Fishburne). The movie soon shifted to more familiar ground - namely the upcoming marriage of Reed Richards aka "Mr. Fantastic" (Ioan Gruffudd) and Sue Storm aka "The Invisible Woman" (Jessica Alba). Or should I say . . . another attempt by the couple to get married. It seemed their past efforts at matrimony have ended up being delayed by either their roles as costumed super heroes, or Reed's anal obssession with his work. With the threat of the new alien presence announced by Army General Hager (Andre Braugher in a rather intimidating role), Reed and Sue are forced to cancel their wedding plans once more and join other Fantastic Four members - Ben Grimm aka "The Thing" (Michael Chiklis) and Sue's younger brother, Johnny Storm aka "The Human Torch" (Chris Evans) - to save the Earth from the Silver Surfer.

The blue-suited quartet are eventually embroiled in other crisis as well. As I had stated earlier, Reed and Sue end up enduring an angst fest over their failure to get married. Johnny's first encounter with the Silver Surfer ended up changing his DNA structure. Because of this, he is able to exchange powers with any of his colleagues with only a touch. Even worse, Johnny's uncertainty regarding his powers and his failure to seduce General Hager's beautiful aide - Captain Raye (Beau Garrett) - led him into an emotional crisis. Also, an old nemesis returned in the form of Dr. Victor von Doom (Julian McMahon). Claiming a desire to help the Army and the Fantastic Four deal with the threat of the Silver Surfer, Victor' real agenda turned out to be a desire to claim the Surfer's power source for his own use.

As I had earlier stated, the 2005 movie mainly told the story about how the quarter acquired their powers and became a costumed super hero team. The 2007 sequel, on the other hand, features a solid action-filled story on how the Fantastic Four battled the Silver Surfer, Victor von Doom, the U.S. Army and their own neurosis. This is probably why "THE FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER" proved to be a lot better than the original film. Yes, the humor had remained. But the 2007 movie seemed better paced, more solid . . . and dare I say it? More mature. Their interactions with both the Silver Surfer and General Hager turned the story from a basic comic book action flick into something more complex. And adding to the complexity were Reed and Sue's further obstacles facing their relationship, and Johnny Storm's troubles with his powers and his own self esteem.

Thankfully, the people at Marvel and 20th Century Fox had decided to reunite director Tim Story with the cast from the 2005 film. Because of this, Story was able to maintain the style created two years ago and take the FANTASTIC FOUR franchise to a more complex level. With the exception of Michael Chiklis and Julian McMahon, the returning cast managed to take their roles to a new level in characterization. Do not get me wrong . . . both Chiklis and McMahon gave excellent performances as Ben Grimm aka "The Thing" and Dr. Victor von Doom aka "Dr. Doom". But their characters were never given the opportunity to shine as much as the others. I could be wrong, but I suspect this was due to possible conflicting schedules with their respective TV series ("THE SHIELD" and "NIP/TUCK"). Andre Braugher's tough and intimidating performance as General Hager struck me as first-rate. I thought he really provided an excellent performance and strong presence that put the rest of the cast on their toes. The movie also featured solid performances from Kerry Washington, who continued her portrayal of Ben Grimm's girlfriend, Alicia Masters and Beau Garrett, who portrayed General Hager's non-nonsense aide, Captain Frankie Raye.

Both Ioan Gruffudd and Jessica Alba's screen chemistry seemed a lot more believable in this film as their characters, Reed Richards and Sue Storm. Their characters' struggle to take their relationship to another level despite the obstacles put in their paths provided more energy into their screen chemistry. The real surprise turned out to be Chris Evans' portrayal as the usually shallow Johnny Storm. In this movie, Johnny discovered their was more to his life than fast vehicles, women and his celebrity status as one of the Fantastic Four. Who would have thought that this superficially charming character could possess real pathos? Yet, Evans' first-class performance made this possible. He also provided one of the movie's funniest scenes, when he "accidentally" torched the bridal bouquet before his new girlfriend, Captain Raye, could catch it. Although I found the Silver Surfer's abilities and his impact upon the Fantastic Four impressive, I must say that his personality struck me as a little too distant for me to really care about him. At least the revelation of his bondage to a powerful and destructive alien entity made his character a little more interesting than I had originally believed. And I have to give Laurence Fishburne kudos for doing an excellent job with the character's voice over.

I would highly recommend "THE FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER" if you are looking for some solid comic book action to pop into the DVD player. Granted, it does not have the level of angst or epic-like proportion of other Marvel movies such as the "SPIDER-MAN", "X-MEN" or Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) franchies, it is still a more complex and interesting story than its 2005 predesessor, "THE FANTASTIC FOUR".

"FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER" (2007) Photo Gallery

Below are images from "FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER", the 2007 sequel to 2005's"FANTASTIC FOUR". Directed by Tim Story, the movie starred Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans: 


"FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER" (2007) Photo Gallery

"CHARMED" RETROSPECT: (4.01-4.02) "Charmed Again"

"CHARMED" RETROSPECT: (4.01-4.02) "Charmed Again"

I just watched the "CHARMED" two-part Season Four premiere, (4.01-4.20) "Charmed Again". I rather liked the first half, which culminated with the youngest Halliwell sister, Paige Matthews, becoming a Charmed One and the sisters vanquishing Shax. I found the second half of the story to be . . . well, rather badly written. But to give you a picture of my feelings about this episode, I made a list of what I deem as "problems":

1) Why had Penelope "Grams" Halliwell, Patricia "Patty" Halliwell and the latter's whitelighter, Sam, believed that it was necessary to hide Paige's identity from the Elders? Okay, I understand that Sam would not want to find himself in trouble with his superiors. But did all of them actually believe that the Elders would kill an infant, whose only crime was being the progeny of an adulterous affair between a whitelighter and his married charge? Or that they would take Paige away from them? The Elders have no right to do such a thing. At least not to Paige. The worst they could have done was clip Sam's wings. Did maintaining Paige's future as a witch or Charmed spare was more important to Patty and Grams than her being a part of the family?

2) Why would seeing the ghosts of Patty and Grams in the manor's attic lead Inspector Cortez to believe that the two older Halliwell siblings - Piper and Phoebe Halliwell, Leo Wyatt and Cole Turner "Belthazor" had murdered the recently dead Prue Halliwell and Doctor Griffiths? What on earth could the sight of two ghosts lead Cortez to believe that the manor's inhabitants had committed murder?

3) Once the Source (disguised as Paige's boyfriend Shane) was alone with Paige in her apartment, why did he not kill her when he had the chance? Why bother going through the trouble of coercing Paige to choose a path of evil? Come to think of it, why did he not kill Piper and Phoebe at the church? Or all three of them at the Manor? In his final scene with the sisters, he TKs Piper against the staircase, and practically flings Phoebe aside. The only person he really tries to kill is Inspector Cortez. It is obvious that he was more powerful than the Power of Three. In order to kill him, the sisters had to rely on the Power of Three and the spirits of their ancestors. That only tells me that he could have easily kill them and Cole. But he did not bother. Why? Because he wanted Phoebe around to witness Cole's death? Was the Source that much of a moron . . . or what?

4) When the Source wounded Cole, he left the latter at a non-remote roadside for a long time. Yet no one noticed him. Why?

5) Here is something I found confusing. The Source was not able to go into the church due to the warding gargoyle. Yet, the evil warlocks in the episode "When Bad Warlocks Turn Good" were able to walk freely in and out the church. Granted, the church in the S1 episode may not have been protected by gargoyles. But the church in the two episodes looked the same. And when the Source had possession of Cole's body, he was able to enter a church.

6) I also spotted a blooper. When Piper and Phoebe are talking to Paige in P3, at the end of Part 2, Piper is not wearing any earrings. But when they go home she is wearing long black earrings.

7) "The 48-Hour Window of Opportunity" - According to both Leo and Cole, there is a period - "window of opportunity" - in agreed upon by both good (the Whitelighters) and evil (the Demons) where a witch can decide her alliance. Personally, I think this is the dumbest idea ever created by Brad Kern. I find it hard to believe that due to an agreement between the Source's Council and the Elders Council, a new witch is given the free will to choose between good and evil. That witch should have possessed the free will to choose whatever path he or she wants without some damn agreement between whitelighters and demons. And it even harder to believe that once that witch makes his or her choice, he/she will remain either good or evil until death? What utter crap! This "window of opportunity" sounds like something from a fairy tale for children. Apparently, Mr. Kern had failed to remember a certain law of nature - that life is UNCERTAIN and/or there is no real absolute that one can depend upon. There is no certainty that a person will remain on a certain path chosen earlier in his or her life. Even if Paige had chosen evil, her remaining evil would have never been absolute or certain. This where Kern's black-and-white morality really failed him.

8) How is it that Phoebe had failed to see the evil within Leo with those glasses she had created for that particular purpose? Leo had darkness within him, like everyone else. Which is why he ended up being infected by the "Deadly Sins" in the Season 3 episode, "Sin Francisco", like the Halliwells. Two seasons later, Leo will end up committing an act of evil with his murder of Elder Gideon. Phoebe should have seen his inner darkness, as well as Cole's. After all, there is such a concept as "the fallen angel".


Well, that's it. Granted, some of the episodes from Seasons 1-3 were not that hot. But I do believe that "Charmed Again" signaled the moment when the show's writing threatened to start becoming less than mediocre.

Portraying HARRY FLASHMAN

Portraying HARRY FLASHMAN

Are there any fans of The Flashman Papers, a series of novels about a 19th century British Army officer, written by the late George MacDonald Fraser?

The origins of Fraser’s fictional series began with another British author, namely the 19th century lawyer and author, Thomas Hughes. It was Hughes who first introduced the character of Flashman in his 1857 semi-autobiographical novel, "Tom Brown’s School Days". The novel told the story of Hughes’ years at the famous public school for boys, Rugby. Among the characters featured in the novel turned out to be an older student named "Flashman", who bullied both Tom Brown and another student named Harry “Scud” East. Flashman’s appearance in the novel ended when Headmaster Dr. Thomas Arnold kicked him for drunken behavior.

Over a century later, a Glasgow journalist named George MacDonald Fraser took the character of Flashman, gave him a full name – Harry Paget Flashman – and wrote a novel about his early years as a British Army office in Great Britain, India and Afghanistan, following his expulsion from Rugby. The novel also featured Flashman’s experiences during the First Afghan War. The results turned out to be "FLASHMAN", which was published in 1969. Fraser followed up "FLASHMAN" with three short stories published under the title, "FLASHMAN AND THE TIGER" and ten more novels. The last novel, "FLASHMAN ON THE MARCH" was published three years before Fraser’s death.

Fraser had written Flashman’s tales from the latter’s point-of-view. The interesting thing about the character was that despite being a war hero – he had been decorated for his actions in the First Afghan War, the Sepoy Rebellion (aka the Indian Mutiny) and the American Civil War, and possibly other military actions – his character had not changed much from his portrayal in Hughes’ novel. Flashman’s character could be described as cowardly, cynical, unfaithful (although his wife Elspeth was equally so), spiteful, greedy, racist, sexist, and lustful. In short, he was completely amoral. However, Fraser also portrayed Flashman as a hilarious and very witty man with a pragmatic view of the world and society in the nineteenth century.

For a series of novels that have been very popular for the past forty years, only one novel has been adapted for the screen. In 1975, Dennis O'Dell and David V. Picker produced and released an adaption of Fraser’s 1970 novel, "ROYAL FLASH". Based loosely upon Anthony Hope’s1894 novel, "THE PRISONER OF ZENDA", "ROYAL FLASH" told of Flashman’s experiences during the Revolutions of 1848 in Bavaria and the fictional Duchy of Strackenz, when he is coerced by German statesman Otto von Bismarck to impersonate a Danish prince set to marry a German princess. Bismarck fears that the marriage would tilt the balance on the Schleswig-Holstein Question and interfere with his plans for a united Germany. The producers hired Richard Lester ("A HARD DAY’S NIGHT", "THE THREE MUSKETEERS" and "THE FOUR MUSKETEERS") to direct the film. Fraser wrote the screenplay and Malcolm McDowell was cast as Harry Flashman. Being a talented actor, McDowell had Harry Flashman’s personality traits down pat. However, the actor looked nothing like the literary Flashman. McDowell possessed blond hair and stood under six feet tall. The literary Flashman stood at least six-feet-two and possessed dark hair and eyes. In fact, he was swarthy enough to pass for a native of the Indian sub-continent in at least two or three novels or a light-skinned African-American slave in "FLASH FOR FREEDOM!". Although the movie did receive some moderate acclaim from critics, the majority of Flashman fans hated it. In fact, they refuse to acknowledge or watch the film. In their eyes, not only did McDowell bore no physical resemblance to the literary Flashman, director Lester had chosen to infuse the film with bawdy buffoonery and slapstick (as he had done with the MUSKETEERS films) and ignore both the story’s historical context and the novels’ cynically irreverent tone.

When "ROYAL FLASH" failed to generate any real heat at the box office, the movie industries on both sides of the Atlantic ignored Fraser’s novels for several decades. Also, Fraser’s experience with the 1975 movie had made him reluctant to hand over control of any screenplay adaptation of his novels. The author also complained about a lack of a suitable British actor to portray Flashman – which seemed to come off as a backhanded slap at McDowell’s performance. Fraser has always favored the Australian-born Hollywood icon, Errol Flynn, to portray Flashman. The actor had not only possessed a similar physique with the literary Flashman (both stood at 6'2"), but he also – according to Fraser – had the looks, style and rakish personality for the role. Unfortunately, Flynn had died in 1959, ten years before Fraser’s "FLASHMAN" was published. The author also suggested that Academy Award winning Daniel Day-Lewis might be right for the role, claiming that "He's probably getting on a bit," he "might make a Flashman . . . He's big, he's got presence and he's got style." In 2007, Celtic Films indicated on their website that they had a series of FLASHMAN TV films in development. Picture Palace have announced they are developing "FLASHMAN AT THE CHARGE" for TV and that the script has been prepared by George Macdonald Fraser himself. Both companies took an extensive role in developing Bernard Cornwell's "SHARPE" (TV series). However, no further news has been forthcoming since this time and the project has been removed from both companies' websites.

Hmmm . . . Daniel Day-Lewis. Granted Day-Lewis might have the height and dark looks of the literary Flashy, and he has the talent to carry the role; he seems a bit too lean for me. And he lacks the cowardly protagonist’s wide shoulders that made the latter look so impressive in a cavalryman’s uniform. But aside from Day-Lewis, who among today’s actors would be great for the role? I had once considered Australian actor Hugh Jackman, nearly a decade ago, when he first became famous thanks to 2000's "X-MEN". He stands at 6’2” tall and possess Flashman’s dark looks. But Jackman is now 41 years old. Perhaps he could still portray Flashman between the ages of 30-50, but that would make him unavailable for movie adaptations of the FLASHMAN stories set in the 1840s – when Flashman was in his 20s. And if I must be frank, Jackman seem incapable of portraying rakes. He can portray violent/aggressive types like Wolverine. But a rake? I once saw him portray a well-born rake in a movie with Ewan McGregor called "DECEPTION". For some reason, he did not seem like the right man for the role . . . at least to me. If there is one Australian who could possibly portray Harry Flashman, I would say it was Julian McMahon. Mind you, McMahon never had the same success in the movies that he had on television. But . . . like Jackman, he stands at 6'2" and possesses similar dark good looks. More importantly, he has the style and air to successfully portray a well-born rake. Hell, he could do it, standing on one foot and singing at the top of his lungs. However, McMahon is also 41 and like Jackman, would be unable to portray Flashman in the adaptation of certain novels. His voice is a bit light and for some reason, I have great difficulty imagining him in a period piece.

Jonathan Rhys-Meyers might be a good choice. Granted, he does not have Day-Lewis, Jackman or McMahon’s height and build. But he has their dark looks. He is also talented and he has the style to portray a rake. More importantly, Rhys-Meyers is at the right age to star in the adaptations of nearly all of the novel, being 32 years old. Another good choice would be Henry Cavill, Rhys-Meyer’s co-star in "THE TUDORS". He has the dark looks and talent to portray the 19th century rogue. And he has the height – 6'1" tall. And at age 26, he could portray Flashy in his 20s and 30s, which would make him available in the adaptation of most of the novels.

But there have been no plays to adapt any of the FLASHMAN novels. Not since Celtic Films had indicated an interest in adapting "FLASHMAN AT THE CHARGE", two years ago. But if Hollywood or the British film industry ever decide to adapt another story about Harry Flashman, I hope they will do right by the novels’ fans and pick the right actor . . . and director for the films.

Best of TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY - Demian's "CHARMED" Recaps

I realize that some might find this difficult to believe, but I became a fan of the 1998-2006 fantasy series, "CHARMED". During the series' first four seasons, I was a devoted viewer. Unfortunately . . . the series took a nosedive in quality - well, as far as I am concerned - after Season Five began and it never improved. Not even in the end. Despite the show's mediocrity, I managed to enjoy myself while reading Demian's hilarious recaps of the show's episodes on the TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY website. Below are excerpts from Demian's recaps that I found especially funny. I hope that you enjoy them. Now, without further ado:


Best of TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY - Demian's "CHARMED" Recaps


From (1.09) "The Witch Is Back":

"Melinda Warren, blood of our blood,
Our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother,
We summon thee!

Actually, in the interest of anal-retentive recapping, Phoebe and Prue give it a mere six "greats." Piper slipped in the seventh, and judging from my own family tree, she should have knocked in an eighth or a ninth to get them back to the late 1600s. Whatever. It worked. A Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls (the first! I think) materializes over the landing by the window, followed presently by Melinda herself. She swallows a great big refreshing gulp of stale attic air and beams, "Oh, blessed be." I hate her already."



From (1.09) "The Witch Is Back":

"Up in the attic, Piper rejoins her sisters and Melinda around that low table. Needless to say, none of the gals wants Melinda to leave, but Melinda's all, "Whatever, you bitches. I'm gone." You think I'm kidding? That's pretty much what her little speech boils down to: The present is not her time, but rather that of her great-whatever-daughters, so, you know, she's hitting the road. The Feebs takes Melinda's hand and asks for a premonition of the Glamorous Ladies' future. Melinda sees generations of her descendants stretching out across the coming centuries. Way to be vague, nitwit. Melinda carefully fastens the Fabio locket around her neck, and the four women clasp hands. Prue, leveling her gaze kindly at Melinda, intones, "Melinda Warren, blood of our blood, we release you." The Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls engulfs Melinda as she beams, "Blessed be, my daughters." Oh, cram it, Granola Queen. The evening ends with the glum gals glancing wistfully at each other. "We can always bring her back," Prue grins. Yeah. And you call me when the shuttle lands, sweetheart."



From (3.01) "The Honeymoon's Over":

"Phoebe prepares to jujitsu Emilio's butt as Prue rushes to protect Cole. Phoebe leaps to give Emilio a little taste of chunky sandal served raw, but what's this? She keeps ascending ceilingward, flying up about ten feet off the ground, where she then hovers and makes some startled blonde hooting noises. Emilio, distracted by the grunts and howls from the airborne Phoebe, doesn't see Prue's quick TK slap coming, and she hurls him across the garage onto another car. As he crumples unconscious on the hood, Phoebe whoops and yodels some more as she drops like a bag of rocks to the ground. "An active power," she guesses, but I don't see how you can call "hovering in the air and flapping your arms while howling like a constipated barn owl" either "active" or a "power"."



From (3.05) "Sight Unseen":

"They pull one of those somewhat distasteful lip-sucking kisses -- Cole with his eyes open for most of it -- and then settle into a more traditional liplock as the scene fades to... God, no. No, please.

I've never done anything in my life horrible enough to merit having to watch what follows. Really. I might tipped less than fifteen percent on occasion, and yes, I've told guys I'd call them just to be polite and then threw their numbers out behind their backs. I've gone fifty in thirty-five-per zones, I've even drunk straight from the communal carton of milk, but for the sake of all that is holy and good, I never did anything to deserve this: Piper and Leo, naked in bed. Piper's just coming down from (ohGodithurts) orgasm as Leo rolls off of her, praising her superior technique (killmekillmenow) when she "concentrates." Way to make her sleep in the wet spot, champ. Overhead shot of the two in (thepainthehorriblepain) post-coital bliss, with Piper shouting up at the Powers That Be and, by extension, the viewing audience, "I hope you enjoyed the show." Cram it, slut.

I should get battle pay for shit like that. ["Done." -- Sars]"




From (3.06) "Primrose Path":

"Chez Belthazor. Shirtless Cole. I pause the tape and light a cigarette. People in the forums have insisted that Julian McMahon is a hairy beast. If so, Spelling Productions must have included a trimmer in his contract package, because his torso, while certainly not waxed, would not put me in danger of developing hair balls at any point in the future, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Mmm. Shirtless Cole. Where was I? Oh, recap."



From (3.14) "The Good, the Bad and the Cursed":

"They turn at the sound of gunshots coming from the saloon. Cole and one of Sutter's minions fire a couple of rounds at each other until Cole runs out of bullets. The two rise to their feet, the minion menacing, "I'm going to enjoy this. See you in Hell." Cole: "Been there. Done that." The minion draws, but Cole tosses a Flaming Ball Of Death at him. Cole giggles merrily as the minion disappears in a wall of fire, but stops laughing when he turns to find Prue eyeing him with disgust. "Like I said," Prue snits. "Once a demon, always a demon." Get over your self-righteous ass, Prue. You just shot a senior citizen and TKed him through a door. I think Cole can have a little fun as well."



From (4.04) "Enter the Demon":

"Cole hoists two scabbards from their place on the basement wall and hurls one at Feebs. "You think The Source is going to challenge me to a swordfight?" Phoebe snorts derisively. "Hand-to-hand combat is too safe," Cole preaches. "Swordfighting teaches confidence. Intensity."Oh, please. Knock it off with this Mr. Miyagi shit and just stand there and look pretty, okay, hon?"



From (4.06) "A Knight to Remember":

"Raige eventually emerges from the can in a pink satin bra and a tiny wraparound red-and-black plaid skirt. I think it's a skirt. Given the size of the thing, it could just as easily be a napkin. She crosses to the bed with a blouse, telling the slampiece that her responsibilities have expanded of late to include the "stuff" she does with her newfound sisters. She pulls the blouse over her head, and wow. Ow.
I've seen some gruesome fashion crimes on this show, but nothing on this scale. You know that scene in last week's Band of Brothers, where the little Italian guy stumbles across the concentration camp? And in the aftermath of the discovery, he comes across the Irish replacement soldier he'd been razzing earlier? And the Irish guy is just sitting dazed and shocked into silence on the ground? And the little Italian guy gets a look at what's derailed the Irish guy so badly, sapping his will to go on? Imagine that as a blouse. It beggars description. The color of dried Pepto-Bismol, it features an aggressive flourish of ruffles that looks like a marauding pack of anemones has risen from the sea to attack Rose McGowan's bosom, shoulders, and neck. It's hideous. It's deeply disturbing. It's Charo. Raige and the Slampiece are talking, but I've been struck deaf, if that's possible. At some point, Slampiece Glenn starts macking on her again, and I'm grateful, because if Raige caves and takes a Sex Day, she'll remove the horror from my sight."



From (4.17) "Saving Private Leo"

"The jerky hand-held camera. The grainy washed-out colors. The ADD-addled jump cuts. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are now watching Band of Brothers. Or Black Hawk Down. Or any movie, television show, or miniseries dealing with The Horrors Of War that was produced after Spielberg lost the Academy Award he was planning to receive for that overlong, overindulgent, over-praised epic from which this episode has stolen its name."




From (4.17) "Saving Private Leo"

"Phoebe descends to the stairwell landing, draped in the scraps of black fabric Belinda modeled earlier in the elevator. White. Trash. Up to and including the white dahlia she has pinned above her ear. Believe it or not, the fabric scraps looked better on Belinda. Almost wearable. On Phoebe, they hang as they might on a twelve-year-old girl. Did the Fun Bags take the week off to sun themselves in Cabo? Also, the wraparound skirt is riding so low on her hips, it's about to throw its muffler. Speaking of things that go "muff," Alyssa Milano has a heretofore-unseen tattoo that begins two inches below her navel and travels down towards regions best left unexplored. Bet you didn't need to know that, did you? Yeah, neither did I."



From (5.03) "Happily Ever After":

"Phoebe rashly decides to don the pumps to prove Cole's involvement. Raige counsels caution, as they can't be certain it's not some other demonic force promoting the attacks. Unfortunately for Raige, Grams nixes this idea, arguing that they can't loll around the Manor waiting for the next evil character to burst through a window. Piper, ever the sheep, follows Grams's lead, and urges Phoebe to try on the shoes. Phoebe slips the things onto her feet. Almost immediately, the pumps glow white, and a shimmering spiral of glowing pixie dust swirls up her body as Walt Disney's heirs speed-dial their lawyers to file breech-of-copyright lawsuits against Brad Kern. I, meanwhile, speed-dial my lawyer to file a pain-and-suffering lawsuit against Eilish for the unspeakable monstrosity masquerading as a ball gown that now assaults my senses. Phoebe's ensemble nearly beggars description, and quite frankly seems better suited for a belly dancer. A low-rent, talent-free, syphilitic hag of a belly dancer, but you get my drift. The outfit consists of a backless, strapless, midriff-baring opalescent bodice piece, connected to a foofy, bustled, be-bowed train, dangling over a white miniskirt, accented with tiers of silver lame ruffles that descend to the floor from her right hip. What remains of her hair has been fried into something approximating ringlets. It astounds me that even after all this time, they can still come up with new ways to horrify me."



From (5.11) "The Importance of Being Phoebe":

"The DemonCam dumps us in an establishment I'll be calling Bada Not!, for lack of a better nickname. A blonde reject from the Adam & Eve catalogue writhes up and down a pole beneath black lights, clad in a Day-Glo orange velour brassiere with frilly accents, a knee-length white gauzy skirt, and white patterned tights. We don't see her shoes, but I'm sure they match the bra. And I'll just bet she's sporting a pair of lime-green ankle socks, too. It's like a Wham! video with breasts. Well, a Wham! video with breasts that the gentlemen in said video find arousing. The reject slides a hand along her torso before pumping her hips a couple of times in Cole's direction. Cole's splayed out on a nearby sofa with a half-empty martini glass clutched loosely in one hand and his tongue dangling into his lap. Now that's talent. He's shaved since last we saw him, and he's back in his stylish, lawyerly togs. Throughout the establishment, cocktail waitresses in demure Eisenhower-era two-piece swimsuits pass beneath go-go girls of near-Amish modesty as the bald gentleman from the previous scene flares into the middle of the room. One of the waitresses nearly rams into him; she would, had they money enough to pay her for a speaking role, tell him to watch where the hell he's flaring. As it is, she simply flips her hair around in a -- dare I say it? -- demonic snit and flounces off. So this is the Charmed version of a demonic stripper bar. Not to get too picky about such things, but shouldn't demonic strippers be, well, stripping? With bestial heads flailing around above their scaly bodies while they perform unspeakable acts with live poultry, or something? These mall-haired implant victims in granny panties just aren't cutting it. It's the Sunday-night family hour on the WB, guys. Why did you even bother?"



From (5.11) "The Importance of Being Phoebe":

"Cole pounds the last of his martini and rises to leave, but the stripper reject boobs into his face and shoves him back onto the couch. "No time for one little dance?" she heaves. "Kaia," Cole leers after darting a "get lost" glance at the bald gentleman. Kaia? Ha! Where's the crap poetry, hon? Actually, this Kaia lacks the other's lockjaw and really looks more like Amaya after a nose job, what with the blonde hair and the vulgar simper and the massive bumper bullets protruding from her chest and everything. Cole settles back as K'Amaya swivels, and he mutters, "You know what I like." K'Amaya wiggles vacantly and morphs into Feeb form. K'Feebs grins, straddles Cole's waist, and grinds her nether bits into his groin.

I can't...I just...it's too...oh, JESUS.

Cole's eyes glaze over with something we're meant to assume is lust and isn't it funny how "lust" and "disgust" rhyme and Cole plants his hands on K'Feebs's ass and she pushes his maw into her cleavage and Cole emerges from the cleavage chasm all sweaty and drooling and K'Feebs opens her mouth and drops out of sight through the bottom of the frame and she is not giving him a blowjob no she's not giving him a blowjob no she's not giving him a blowjob because it's the Sunday-night family hour on the WB and the network censors just wouldn't do that to us no they can't no they can't be doing that to me and Cole grunts and the credits and the cleavage and the sweating and the blowjob and the fingernails clawing at my face and the blood squirting from my eyes and the vomit and hello heretofore unwanted sequel to Final Destination! You can drop a construction crane on my head RIGHT NOW!"




From (5.17) "Lucky Charmed":

"Tonight's opening travelogue is accompanied by a ukulele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" that was featured prominently in several episodes of Young Americans a few years back, which only serves to remind me of a certain product-placed beverage and poor Pamie's summer-long bout of gender dysphoria. And Verve. Can't forget the Verve. Hey, did you see him on last week's Law & Order: SVU? He had sex with John Ritter's son. John Ritter's son, people. I mean, how desperate and/or skeevy do you have to be to bone the fruit of Jack Tripper's loins? And did you know that Ian Somerhalder and I share a birthday? Yep -- Sammy Davis Jr., Verve, and me. And Teri Hatcher and Kim Basinger, but we don't like to talk about them. Of course, Verve's ten years younger than I am, and…what's that? You want me to talk about the episode? Well, screw you. This episode sucks."



From (5.17) "Lucky Charmed":

"Manor. Up in the kitchen, Auntie Phoebe unleashes a torrent of sick-making baby-talk upon The Percolated Infant. By way of response, The Doltine Cracker horks his pacifier into her face. Heh. Incidentally, because the gang on the boards has been overcome by The Done One's cuteness and is therefore incapable of concocting appropriately vicious and ugly nicknames for the kid, because "The Non-Asian/Asian Precious Done One Log" is far too much to type, and because I myself am otherwise drawing a blank, I'll be mixing up the three…what? Oh, yeah. Episode. Right. Over at the center island, Piper bobbles a piping-hot bottle of formula, screams for the husband, and receives no response, which leads to the following mini-rant: "Fricking ever-useless Elders! What is taking them so long?" And that, my friends, is a shout-out if ever I heard one. Meanwhile, Phoebe's received an amu-- Holy Mother of God! What the fuck is she wearing? Oh, sweet Jesus! From the waist up, she looked fine. I mean, yeah, the black sweater's cropped above her navel, and her hair's an unsightly mess, but we're used to that. It's those pants! They're skin-tight and riding so low, the waistband grazes both her beavage and her ass crack, and I, for one, never needed to know about that tattoo on her left butt cheek. God! DAMN! What the fuck is wrong with Alyssa Milano? AUUUGH."



From (5.21) "Oh Goddess! - Part 1"

"Piper exchanges a supposedly light-hearted smirk with Mrs. Darryl, but you can tell she's wicked pissed, and I'm sorry, but she's got a hell of a lot of gall to whine about her husband's repeated absences in front of a cop's wife. Suck it up already or divorce him, Piper. Millions of men and women deal with situations similar to yours without shrieking about it every five goddamned minutes, you tedious, peevish shrike."



From (6.01) "Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part I":

"No such luck, for the next shot features the fully Valkyried Ps stepping through the crappy green digital overlay to arrive on the Isle Of Dykes, and Mother of God in Heaven -- some idiot's gelled an upturned, corkscrewed forelock into La Milano's "hair." She looks like Tin Tin. In a fucking miniskirt. With boobs. Are they blind? Is everyone who works on this show blind? They are, aren't they? Jesus. What-EVER!"



From (6.04) "Power of the Three Blondes":

"Oh, shit. I'd forgotten about this next scene. Sigh. Phoebe slinks through a crowded and tony eatery to crouch behind a potted plant. Feel free to insert your own joke about difficult it is to distinguish between the two. From Phoebe's vantage point, she's able to eavesdrop on the uncomfortable and embarrassing dinner date Chronic's having with Midge. And by that, I mean "uncomfortable and embarrassing for the audience." Chronic presents Midge with an expensive diamond necklace. To show her appreciation, Midge dives beneath the tablecloth to give him a blowjob. No, seriously. No. SERIOUSLY. Jenny McCarthy gets down on her knees to go down on Eric Dane. She even wipes the sides of her mouth when she reemerges after many excruciating seconds. Fuck it. I can't deal with this shit anymore."



From (6.10) "Chris-Crossed":

"The Dolt paces behind him, angrily calling for Phoebe and Raige, who, of course, ignore him. Piper floats in from the kitchen in a satiny blouse, burbles some Psycho-care instructions at him, perks, "Wish me luck!" and sails out the front door to get laid. The Dolt waves his arms around in impotent frustration until the squiggle noise hits the soundtrack. "Hoo-HUH!" LesBianca grunts from off-screen, and we see her boot introduce itself to the Dolt's face. The Dolt pitches through the air to slam into the alcove on the other side of the hall. His head rams into the window seat, and he slumps into an unconscious heap on the carpet. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. That was a spectacular example of Dolt abuse, people. So spectacular, I might have to give this episode an 'A'."



From (6.11)"Witchstock":

"As Chris obediently orbs up through the ceiling, Darryl snots, "Where's he going?" Upon hearing the answer, Darryl splutters, "This is the last time I work crowd control for you guys!" before ducking back out the door. Dude, I don't know why you're even talking to them after they killed you in the first damn episode of the season, so whatever. Also: Shut up!"



From (6.11)"Witchstock":

"The Glamorous Ladies regroup, with Piper expressing doubt that Patrick Cassidy's death was enough to realign the timeline. She reminds her sisters that Grams flew into a rage when she found her husband dead (in 1964, three years before the events of this episode). Piper then indicates the wimpily weeping LYGrams and asks, "Does that look like a demon killer to you?" Raige and Phoebe gawp."



From (6.11)"Witchstock":

"Finally, and at Phoebe's prompting, LYGrams topples the much-abused grandfather clock onto The Spawn Of Busey, who lapses into unconsciousness. "Now you do something really final," Phoebe helpfully hints. LYGrams squints and ad-libs the following spell:

Snuff this warlock
His days are done,
But make him good
For the ecosystem.

I hate this stupid fucking sucky-ass show."




From (6.13)"Used Karma":

"Piper spots the shattered remnants of the vase and wonders, "What happened here?" "Bonjour!" Phoebe calls as she wafts down the stairs in a hideous bra-and-micro-mini set stitched together from swatches of cherry-red sateen, accented with vast swaths of sheer pink and tangerine chiffon. It's deeply hateful. What's even more deeply hateful is that she apparently had this thing hanging in her closet on the off chance she'd ever need clothing appropriate for possession by a long-dead Jazz-Age Eurotrash whore. "What the heck are you wearing?" Piper growls. "Just a little something to help me get my boyfriend back," Phoebe replies. "Showing a little skin never hurt." Millions of viewers at home beg to differ, skank. Piper supposes this means things didn't go well with Chronic the previous evening. "No," Phoebe admits before adding, "Je ne sais pas pourquoi." But instead of pronouncing it "Zhunsaypa," the dumbass goes, "Zhuh-na-say-pas," because Phoebe's a fucking moron, even when she's been possessed by a long-dead Jazz-Age Eurotrash whore."



From (6.17)"Hyde School Reunion":

"Down in the main hall, Mr. Rick's hurled Phoebe against the window seat in the foyer and is demanding she alter his appearance immediately. Raige wanders onto the scene, Mr. Rick levels the shotgun in her direction, and I'll tell you right now, for the next four minutes, the only thing I was doing was chanting, "Orb the gun, Raige. Orb the gun, Raige. Orb the gun, Raige. "ORB THE MOTHERFUCKING GUN, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT." So, needless to say, I missed quite a bit of the subsequent dialogue, but this show is ass, so whatever. Mr. Rick, having decided Phoebe is now his "leverage," reveals Ramona's location, then orders Raige to change his face. Phoebe stumbles across a cunning plan, if by "a cunning plan," one means "a hideous abuse of both Raige's power and her own that violates every established doctrine regarding the difference between human and demonic evil and how best to deal with each." In other words, Phoebe suggests that Raige turn Mr. Rick into Big Gay Chris. Get it? So the Scabbard Demons will materialize and destroy him with their sprays of green acid? Yeah. Fuck this show. Raige, for some stupid reason of her own, obliges by improvising the following couplet:

Who you were, you're now another:
Take the face of [the Psycho's] brother.

Mr. Rick morphs into Big Gay Chris, and poor Drew Fuller. He simply cannot play the menacing heterosexual convict type very convincingly. As in, he can't play the menacing heterosexual convict type at all. It doesn't help that Mr. Big Gay Chrick still has Chris's voice, either. It would have made far more sense for Rod Rowland to overdub the two lines Mr. Big Gay Chrick gets before the Scabbard demons waste him, but this show is ass, so whatever. Raige and Phoebe promptly hole themselves up in separate Manor nooks to avoid the messy murder that follows. Three Scabbards materialize in the parlor and hose Mr. Big Gay Chrick down with multiple streams of acid. Mr. Big Gay Chrick screams and dissolves into a flailing tower of black goo that presently sinks to the floor and vanishes. After the demons dematerialize, Phoebe and Raige emerge from their hiding places to survey the carnage.

"You okay?" Raige breathes. "Yeah," Phoebe mutters. "You know you had to, right?" Raige offers. Phoebe nods as I call bullshit, because they didn't have to, because Raige could have ORBED THE MOTHERFUCKING SHOTGUN AWAY FROM HIM, but this show is ass, so whatever. WHATEVER."



From (7.02)"The Bare Witch Project":

"Piper, God love her, peeves that altering the course of history is just a wee bit more important than that stupid fucking magic school. Just then the blender roars to life, and the frisky-fingered Godiva shrieks in fright and hops back a couple of paces. Piper chases the dim, badly bewigged "blonde" back to Raige's side and sighs, "On the other hand, how much history could a naked woman on horseback really affect?" Excellent question, Piper, and I have an answer for you: none. None whatso-fucking-ever, especially when you consider the fact that the whole ride is a tawdry, Church-sponsored myth to begin with. The real Lady Godiva owned Coventry outright. What does this mean? It means that her husband had no way of imposing or collecting taxes himself, and that if Godiva thought the peasants were tithing too much, she could have taken care of it herself without stripping off her clothes. Unless, you know, she was into that sort of thing, but what scant evidence we do have indicates she was not the eleventh-century equivalent of Gypsy Rose Lee. ("Her name's Louise!") So, while the Godiva on the show predictably protests that her non-existent ride was indeed quite important, I'll not be paying any attention to anything she or any of the other idiots might have to say on the matter, because the whole stupid thing is a sexist lie to begin with. So there. Nyaaah!"



From (7.02)"The Bare Witch Project":

"Oh, shit. Piper hustles across an intersection to arrive at the sidewalk café from the pre-credits sequence. "This better be good," she gripes as she reaches Raige's side. "Yeah," Raige snorts, redirecting Piper's attention further down the street. "It looks like Lady Godiva had quite an impact on our Phoebe's cause." Piper's shock, disgust, outrage, and revulsion at what she sees very nearly matches mine. But not quite. We cut to a shot of various pedestrians gaping in abject horror before cutting again to brief glimpses of what is causing the general distress. A bare foot in a stirrup. A leg. A hip clearly unencumbered by clothing, with the butt cheek partially obscured by the bottom bits of a long, blonde wig. A shot of bareback, horseback, crappily bewigged Phoebe from behind as she guides the nag over to the sidewalk café. And then, finally, a pan up Milano's torso through some terrifyingly bony cleavage to Phoebe's grinning rictus of a face. The café's manager emerges onto the sidewalk to get an earful from the Feebs about how he's living in the eleventh century and he wants women barefoot and pregnant and to stay at home and how breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world and the crowd starts cheering her and there's a mime. Yes, there's a goddamned mime in the midst of the throng, applauding as lustily as anyone else. I hate this show. HATE. "It's a shame that women have to take off their clothes to be heard," Phoebe speechifies. "We shouldn't have to be exploited like this." So why in the hell are you working for Aaron Spelling?"



For (7.10)"Witchness Protection":

"Next week, Charisma Carpenter returns to give the lie to her first name, because she's totally boring as hell."



From (7.20)"Imaginary Friends":

"The good professor snaps that last week's class discussion on imprinting ended up in this week's "Ask Phoebe". "I'm assuming we're discussing next week's content, no?" she sneers. Phoebe splutters in protest, but The Very Good Professor cuts her off with, "Please. We both know why you're taking my class. I've spent years studying and teaching psychology, Miss Halliwell -- dedicating my life to it," The Most Excellent Professor continues, "but I'll be damned if I'm just going to let you poach my class to steal a sound bite or two for your column." The Most Excellent Professor Ever To Appear On American Television concludes, "You want to learn about imaginary friends? Do the research!" before casually striding away from the flabbergasted Feebs. BOO-ya! The Feebs is all, "But...but...I didn't...I don't...oh, fuck it! That BITCH is so eating a wall before this evening is over!" Seriously, Professor Slotkin. I'd switch teams for you after that scene, but I must express my concern for your physical well being. No one calls Phoebe on her bullshit and lives to tell about it.”



From (8.04) "Desperate Housewitches"

"Evil Michelle Stafford prompts the Psycho to poke his index finger in the bowl's contents, promising, "It'll make some really neat magic!" The Psycho complies, and the bowl emits first a reddish glow, then a stream of sparks that leap across the room to dive into the inverted pentagram on the wall. The pentagram's sides burst into crappily CGI'd flames that push out from the wall to spin clockwise for a moment before contracting to spit The Famous Almost-Original Source out all over the floor. "WHERE AM I?" Peter Woodward howls, snacking away on any and all nearby scenery in the process, and dude. For one thing, dial it down about eight or nine notches, okay? We're not deaf. Kisses. For another, I'd be very careful with the scenery chomping if I were you. I mean, they barely have enough money in the budget to cover your salary, much less replacement costs for any Not!warts walls you happen to get stuck in your teeth. "WHO BROUGHT ME BACK?" Peter Woodward continues, and sigh. They never, ever listen to me, do they?"



From (8.07)"The Lost Picture Show":

"While I was thus distracted, the Manor Morons had been babbling on about their Issues Of The Week, and I'll be frank, here: None of these subplots are of any interest to me whatsoever, because each and every single one of them is a retread of an Issue we've seen play out in previous episodes. Piper and the Dolt's marital strife? "Siren Song" with the body swapping, "Cat House" with the first attempt at counseling, and "Oh My Goddess Parts One And Two" with the second. Raige's troubled relationship with her genetic father? "Sam I Am". Phoebe's time bomb of a biological clock? Every single fucking episode since she embarked upon that goddamned Vision Quest in "The Legend Of Sleepy Halliwell". Or so it seems. So I think I'll be ignoring most of them tonight. This might be the shortest Charmed recap ever. By the way, apropos of entirely nothing, I had an incredibly disturbing dream last night in which Brian Krause kissed me. And I liked it. Yeah. Chew on that horror story while these tedious fuckwits babble at each other for another five minutes."



From (8.15)"The Last Temptation of Christy":

"Raige and Phoebe enter the Manor foyer from the front porch when we return, already discussing Chrissssty's warning, pedebabbling about Them and who They could possibly be and why They might want Chrissssty back before the Retard arrives in the main hall from above toting Chrissssty's untouched breakfasssst to interrupt the two with, "It doesn't matter, because They won't be getting her back." The three proceed into the kitchen, where Raige suggests they formulate some sort of game plan. "We don't know anything!" the Retard protests. "We don't know where They've been keeping her this whole time!" and yes you DO know where They've been keeping her this whole time because YOU WERE JUST THERE AT THE END OF THE LAST EPISODE, YOU STUPID STUPID AWFUL EVIL INSIPID WRETCHED INEPT INCOMPETENT EXUSE FOR A WOMAN. GOD! DAMMIT! I HATE THIS SHOW!"



From (8.15) "The Last Temptation of Christy":

"Phoebe jiggles onto the second floor from below just as Raige arrives from the nonexistent attic and, to steal a turn of phrase from Keckler, oh my awesome. The Retarded Bimbo is on fire. Crappily CGI'd fire, but fire nonetheless. Hooray! And she's such a fuckwit that she's spinning around, flapping her arms in the air, rather than stripping her blazing jacket off or rolling around on the floor. I swear, this woman is too stupid to breathe. And if I'm remembering my C.S.I.s correctly, she shouldn't be breathing right now, because her windpipe should have slammed itself shut from the heat by this point. Raige, doing the only thing she knows how, orbs the blazing hoodie off of the Retard's bizarrely proportioned body and towards points unknown before she and Phoebe race to the Retard's side, wildly wondering what gives. Chrissssty, bless her traumatized little heart, used her pyrokinesis to set her sssstupid ssssisssster on fire, then fled from the Manor with a demon. Why we saw none of this thoroughly delightful series of developments onscreen, I'll never know, especially when they could easily have dispensed with the entire Hilton Cooties scene prior to this one and most of the Simon Mocks sequence that preceded that. Whatever. CANCELLED! The Retarded Bimbo makes squawking noises as Raige and Phoebe gape their collective way into the next commercial break."




And here it is, folks. I have saved the best for the last . . . the piece de resistance. From (5.19) “Nymphs Just Wanna Have Fun”:

"The Forest. Because, you know, San Francisco is just bristling with forests. Whatever. The Nymrods titter and giggle and lead my brother-in-law down the garden path while Raige straggles along behind them. Rose McGowan's face is plastered over with this Kill Me Now expression, like she's thinking, "Okay, they tossed that fucking leprechaun mess into my lap, and I dealt with it, but this shit? Is just too goddamn much for one woman to bear." I hear you, my sister. Matters only get worse when she hits the breathtakingly stupid feminist-versus-pre-feminist argument they've written for her and the Nymrods. The Nymrods are all, "Demian's new brother-in-law is our man and we have to do everything he says!" and Rose McGowan's all, "But you don't need a man to define your…you know what? Fuck this shit. Is this fucking season over yet? It isn't? Jesus H. motherfucking Christ on a stick! Get my fucking agent on the phone NOW! Stupid motherfucker pushes me into a goddamn motherfucking TV series, and this is the shit I have to put up with? Hey, asshole! It's Rose McGowan. You're fucking fired, you fuck!"


Well . . . there you are. I hope that you had enjoyed them. I have certainly enjoyed Demian's "CHARMED" recaps over the years. Thank you, Demian!